And now, please allow me the dubious honor of presenting this scene as it should have unfolded, in the form of a brief drama. The part of the sick man is being played in my mind by Greg Kinnear, and the part of the doctor by the incomparable Morgan Freeman. The scene is a doctor’s office.
Sick man: Doctor, I’m afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side.
Doctor: I’m a doctor, son. My job is to diagnose you and make you feel better, if I can. If you want spiritual guidance, you’d better ask a minister.
Sick man: But aren’t you a Christian?
Doctor: Yes. I’m also a golfer, but I’m not giving you advice on how to improve your putting.
Sick man: Don’t you know what’s on the other side?
Doctor: I have my beliefs, but I think you’re missing the point. Besides, you’ve just got a chest cold. Why are you so worried about death?
Sick man: I’m not worried about it. I was just making conversation.
(The sound of SCRATCHING comes from the door. The doctor opens the door and a DOG bounds in. He leaps happily on the DOCTOR and LICKS him in the face)
Doctor: Did you notice my dog?
Sick man: You mean the big slobbering beast who covered you with germs and is right now peeing on the leg of the examination table? Yeah, I did notice that. Can you please wash your hands again?
Doctor: Yeah, sorry about that. Anyway, he’s never been in this room before…
Sick man: He’s humping the biohazard container…
Doctor: He didn’t know what was inside…
Sick man: Now he’s scooting his butt across the floor. Doctor, I think I’m gonna go…
Doctor: All he knew was that his master was here, and when the door opened he sprang in without fear.
Sick man: And now I shall spring out, with great fear, and go see the doctor across town who doesn’t let his dog wander freely around the clinic. Um, thanks…bye.