Yes, sluts, you should live in accordance with society’s completely reasonable expectations of you. In case you’ve forgotten what those are:
- You should be sexually available whenever your boyfriend or husband wants you, but don’t seek out sexual fulfillment on your own (and especially not from more than one partner), or you will be branded a slut.
- If you want to have sex more than the correct amount for your age, ethnicity, and socioeconomic status, you are a slut.
- The correct amount of sex will not be defined. Society’s judges know a slut when they see one. If you have to ask if you’re having too much sex, you’re probably a slut.
- When in doubt, ask yourself this: am I having sex (A) to please a man or (B) to please myself? If the answer is (B), you’re a slut.
- If you are a woman who dresses immodestly, you will be labeled a slut, even if you abstain from any kind of sexual activity.
- The standards of modest attire will also not be defined. You’ll know you’re being immodest when somebody calls you a slut.
- If you have a political opinion – and especially if that political opinion centers around you having some kind of control over your own reproductive organs – you are a slut and an enemy of the state.
- You shouldn’t be offended at being called a slut, even though it strips away your dignity as an individual human being with your own desires. Remember: conformity is key.
Here’s another rule to live by: if you agree with any of the above “rules”, you’re an idiot. Stop devaluing people whose sexual proclivities don’t mesh with your own. As long as they’re consenting adults who aren’t hurting anybody (or maybe if they are hurting people a little bit but they have a mutually agreed upon safe word), let them be.